The following information is published with ROUNDALAB's permission from the ROUNDALAB Reference Manual compiled by Richard & Jo Ann Lawson, 1987.

Come Out Dancing Not Fighting

Derek and Jean Tonks
Wetaskiwin, Alberta, Canada

How many times have your heard on the Round Dance floor, "Smile, this is your recreation", but you and your spouse do not feel like smiling - you're in the middle of an argument. We want to enjoy our dancing, but how can we stop fighting?

First, let us think about our attitude toward dancing to see if this might be the root of our problem.

No matter what level we are dancing, let us remember we are doing it for relaxation and ENJOYMENT. Round dancing offers us a recreation with a wide scope of self-achievement. We can take out of it whatever suits our personal needs. There is no harm in setting a standard of achievement for ourselves — but we must bear in mind our partner's capabilities and goals as well. Try not to expect too much of your partner - then you will not be disappointed. Be aware of the fact that your partner will have some "bad days" and other days when he or she does not feel like dancing but is doing so to please you.

Once we have decided what WE want from round dancing let us not think about "being as good as the Jones" or "being the best couple on the floor". Once we do this, we are putting ourselves on a competitive basis and this will probably cause us problems. We have no competition created for us in round dancing so it is better that we do not create any ourselves.

How many of us when we decide to "sit one out" watch the other dancers and remark how well So-and-So dances. There is nothing wrong with admiring other dancer's abilities, but perhaps we should be looking for the couple who appears to be getting the most ENJOYMENT out of what they are doing also.

If we achieve a good attitude toward our dancing, we are half way to avoiding a "fight" - but how about the other half? Why not give the following formula a try. It works for us, so it may work for you.

Put your own ego in low gear - and protect your partner's ego

Think of your partner's ego as being as delicate as an egg - and you have no right to cause it to crack.

When you are dancing and your partner makes a mistake, he or she feels frustrated, embarrasses, and if this is yet another of several mistakes made recently his or her ego has developed a sizeable dent. If you make a derogatory remark, or even just give an angry glare, your partner's ego will crack wide open and human nature being what it is, he or she will go immediately on the defensive, possibly try to shift the blame or make excuses and this is where the argument begins.

If we can put our own ego aside when a mistake is made by accepting all or part of the blame, perhaps by saying "sorry, I think I put you off" or "I probably pulled you", anything that will help your partner's crack ego heal, you will avoid an argument. (And, you will both feel more positive about solving the mistake.)

When your own ego is not in low gear, then you must accept the responsibility for the ensuing argument. Your partner may have made the mistake but because you thought you were going to be perfect, or were looking for admiration from your friends, you are letting your ego take over; perhaps even setting foot into the competitive field and have, therefore, lost your goal of enjoyment.

Try not to go dancing to feed your ego - go to enjoy and have fun! Most situations have a funny side. You will often find it on the dance floor if you look for it. For example: cuer says "side close side". One partner touches instead of closes. Result: partners go in different directions. Look for the humor in that situation and laugh about it. It will give you enjoyment instead of anger. A good laugh on the floor will help relieve any tension you have been building up and it really does not matter that we make a mistake — we do not give good marks for dancing well or bad marks for dancing poorly.

Just come out smiling — this really is your recreation

Roundalab Journal, Winter, 1986